On Human Connection.

In Pursuit of Quality. #7.

DALL-E’s best attempt at impersonating the Swedish painter, Hilda af Klimt?

Hello again, and welcome to In Pursuit of Quality.  This is the seventh issue, and it's time to get personal again.

I've been thinking a lot about (human) relationships.  This is partially driven by the lightning-fast adoption of things like ChatGPT that can look/sound/act deceptively like we do.  

But, truthfully, this is about my own insecurity. 

Are the relationships I have with people deep and meaningful?  Are they full of quality?  Or am I so comfortable hiding behind screens that I don't even know what that means anymore?  

Well, that's a scary thought.  Yet I know I can't be alone in thinking this.  

Loneliness Abound.

And  ‘alone’ is the right word here.  We're caught in a well-documented loneliness epidemic that appears to be affecting everyone: a meta analysis of data from 113 countries now shows "problematic levels of loneliness in a substantial proportion of the population in many countries."¹ Men, women, children; black, brown, white; employed, unemployed, part-time; American, Armenian, Argentinian.  We are hungry for social connection.

Let's not get into the causes here.  Social media, the pandemic, and general inertia all play a role.  The point is that meaningful relationships have been and will always be important to us — and it doesn't look like we're getting enough of them.  

At least I wasn't.

That's why we packed our bags last week and headed west to California.  Our sole purpose was to spend quality, face-to-face time with people we care about.  The centerpiece: a stay at an incredible B&B along the Russian River owned and operated by close friends.²  

Exploring Vulnerability.

This got me thinking about quality overall.  There are a bunch of people in my life who I like very much — what sociologists might call "weak ties."  Some are old colleagues.  Others I met through social media or one-off connections.  Like everyone else,  I've captured and collected "likes," or "thumbs-up," or "comments."  More, more, more.  As important as having weak ties is, it's mostly a quantity thing. 

Those connections can be unsatisfying for me.  They're not what quality relationships are about.  What I was reminded of this week is that relationships require vulnerability — which is hard, at least for me.  Being vulnerable means allowing people to see you as you truly are and, in turn, being open to seeing them as they are.  This is hard enough in domestic relationships.  But I find it even harder with friends.

So, I'm insecure about my friendships.  Sometimes I feel like I know a lot of people, but I can't say how well or if they really know me.  Maybe other people feel this way?  Maybe it's just a guy thing? 

I can't say.  What I do know is the only way to build deeper relationships — what I'm calling quality here — is to dedicate in-person time together.  Not a DM or a text.  Not a call or a coffee date.  Time enough for spontaneous laughter, shared silence, moments of gratitude and, sometimes, periods of friction. 

After all, we're only human.

Embracing Messiness.

I'm also insecure about how old-fashioned this sounds.  There's nothing new here.  It's obvious that there's little substitute for the depth that comes from self-exposure.  But I don't think repetition spoils the prayer.  Especially as we emerge from a global pandemic that eased me into a world of more isolation, more anxiety, and more screen time. 

I'm not looking for more!  Together, we're in pursuit of quality.  This means creating time and space for meaningful connection, not isolation;  sharing anxiety, not merely ‘dealing with it’; putting the screen away in the service of looking each other in square in the eyes. And if this sounds dumb or antiquated, I can live with that.  

This week was priceless because it reminded me that I'm all right as I am.  Warts and all.  My friends were vulnerable with me and I really did my best to reciprocate.  I'll never be perfect, but neither will they.  And what a beautiful thing it is to build complicated, messy human relationships.  

No, you can't put a number on it.  But spending that time with friends is what quality is about for me.  I'm sure I'll hold onto some my insecurity.  Yet I refuse to feel insecure about that. 

It's all part of my personal quest toward living a life of quality.  And it's a long work-in-progress that I'll never give up on. 

What do you think? What does quality mean to you?

1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35140066/

2. https://mineandfarminn.com/